Recovering from Bitterness

(1) Facing the Hurt

Bitterness is a long-term anger turned inward. Bitterness is a piercingly cold feeling of resentment (Oxford). Bitterness is “an intense animosity toward another person that erodes our peace of mind and robs us of joy” (D & J Ryan). Bitterness is holding a grudge against someone. Bitterness is fuelled by a sense of injustice over something that has happened … usually to ourselves or someone close to us.

Sometimes such anger turned to bitterness was allowed to fester inappropriately, because it was actually based on a misunderstanding or having unreasonably high expectations of others. Other times such anger turned to bitterness was justifiable on the basis of a really painful offence.

We know that anger in itself is not sin, it is a natural human reaction to evil; without anger we would be less liable to seek to correct wrongs and injustices. It is where we allow anger to rule us and to control our behaviour in a negative sense, that we move in contrary ways to how God would have us. This is why bitterness is such a problem – it separates us from God.

Not only can carrying bitterness towards others badly affect us physically and emotionally, but also destroy us spiritually. Our spiritual life can completely dry up under the influence of bitterness, such bitterness having the potential to be just as destructive as any drug. Our tendency is to relive the offensive incident and allow it to grow deep roots within us. [In a corporate sense, we have often seen the devastating results of long-term community bitterness toward other ethnic groups or nations.]

Hebrews 12:14-15 reads:

"Pursue peace with everyone, and the holiness without which no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springs up and causes trouble, and through it many become defiled."

So, rather than just allowing anger and bitterness to do its ugly work, we have to face our hurts full on, and place them in God’s care. We have to then put any desire for revenge behind us (for revenge has no place in the Christian life), and also find a way through any unwillingness we have to forgive.

Now I know there have been many things perpetrated where it would be so difficult to expect the person offended against to offer forgiveness … where there have been hideous incidences of abuse and violence (where even criminal charges have been applicable).

Yet, even here, the path to growth and hope is through forgiveness. This may or may not have a positive effect on any perpetrator, but the main benefactor of such forgiveness will always be ourselves … for we are lifting a burden which is truly too heavy to bear. Only God can ultimately right such wrongs, and we are not built to carry such heavy responsibility.

We cannot judge, because we simply do not know enough. To desire getting even or revenge is to get in God’s way. Of course it is not possible anyway to get even, in either totally recovering our loss or exacting the same loss on another. Revenge in word or deed is violence, and inflicting violence will hurt and demean us further.

Recovering from bitterness cannot really begin until a person begins to face the emotional pain of the past. So if you have feelings of resentment weighing you down, then really you have some work to do. And you may need some assistance. And that assistance is available.

There is a power and strength beyond ourselves that enables us to forgive, but we must choose to move towards forgiveness to find the help that God offers. And I’ve seen bitterness lifted and the difference it makes. Forgiveness breaks the shackles that have held a person prisoner and allows human beings the freedom to become the person God intends them to be.

In Genesis (chapters 37 – 46) we read of Joseph, who was sold into slavery in Egypt by his own brothers because of their jealousy. Later we read that when Joseph was in a position to treat these brothers however he liked, he chose the path of remarkable forgiveness. Why … because Joseph viewed remaining in solidarity with God much more important than seeking any sort of revenge (which of course would not have regained him anything of what he had lost anyway).

If I was in Joseph’s position, and had experienced such dreadful rejection, forgiveness would not have come easily at all to me; yet this was the only hope-filled option. Of course, for such forgiveness to be truly transforming, it had to be sincere; therefore was delayed for a little time, while the full depth of feelings were worked through.

If you look at the narrative about Joseph in Genesis, you’ll see all of the stages of the process being spoken of today in recovering from bitterness – facing the hurt, feeling the anger, grieving the loss, and letting go.

(2) Feeling the Anger

The anger that we feeling following abuse, rejection, betrayal or unfair criticism, that tends to easily turn inward toward bitterness, needs to be healthily expressed … to God, and maybe to trusted others. Speaking these feelings out tends to lift some of the potentially destructive energy out of them without suppressing such feelings. Repressed anger will inevitably lead to bitterness of spirit. To hold on to a grudge is really (even subconsciously) to desire vengeance to be visited upon a person … ‘I cannot be kind to that person until they get what they deserve’. This is unhealthy!

We also can’t force or manipulate someone to be sorry; we can only do what will be helpful from our side. This will include expressing how we feel … sometimes to the one who has offended us, but always, as I just said, to God. David (king of Israel) often expressed to God his anger about those who opposed him (in the Psalms). In so doing David was often able to resolve much of his bitterness (eg. Psalm 13).

This can be warts and all; listen to Psalm 109:8-13 …

"May his days be few; may another seize his position. May his children be orphans, and his wife a widow. May his children wander about and beg; may they be driven out of the ruins they inhabit. May the creditor seize all that he has; may strangers plunder the fruits of his toil. May there be no one to do him a kindness, nor anyone to pity his orphaned children. May his posterity be cut off; may his name be blotted out in the second generation."

Such passionate expression was clearly helpful, may even life-saving, for David. Whenever we can’t speak to people who have hurt us directly, we can always talk to God. We can in this way discover what anger is well- founded, and what anger, on the other hand, may originate in our own immaturity, lack of understanding or desire to control others.

Where we have acted badly out of our anger, we can seek forgiveness. Where our anger is justified, we can seek insight into new ways of moving through our anger and taking some positive steps forward.

One of these steps may well be directly confronting the person involved, seeking some dialogue, and perhaps some clarification of the reasons behind the offensive actions or unfair criticism. Other times the need for self-protection may well prevent this.

When confronting, this is not just passive – it is important to stand up for yourself and for what you believe is right (otherwise nothing is gained and bitterness may deepen); as long as this is done without any desire for getting even. A typical opening statement may be: ‘I felt very hurt and angry when you belittled me in front of all those people’. This statement addresses your anger without attacking or accusing.

When confronting another person is dangerous (as in many cases of abuse) or impossible (eg. if the person has died), then a letter can be written (as if it was to be read by the offender), and then destroyed … in some sort of acknowledgement that the issue is done with.

[David also took his opportunities to express his lack of understanding about God’s perceived inaction. In so doing David was better able to experience again God’s love and mercy, which are always at work behind the scenes. So, if any of our bitterness is actually directed at God, God is able to where this, and willing to hear from us about it, and guide us into new understanding.]

(3) Grieving the Loss

When we are offended against there can be a real sense of loss. This may be material, but could also be in the area of self-esteem, identity, security, belonging or future expectations, and such losses as these will cause us to grieve. These are losses for which there may never be adequate restitution. This is where we would ask questions like: ‘What is wrong with me’ or ‘How could this injustice be inflicted on me’ or ‘How will I ever cope again’.

This sense of loss concerning our personal rights (the right to be viewed as a valuable human being) can be so great, that to be asked to lay aside our anger or bitterness is like being asked to give up all we have left. And it seems like, without any vestige of immanent justice, that what was done was actually okay – first forgiven … then forgotten, and I’m just left with my loss, without any sense of vindication, and the strong possibility in mind of being hurt again.

Yet as we are nonetheless willing to take the first step of forgiveness, we are letting God in to touch our hurt and anger with healing love. Without a ‘letting go’, we leave no room in our lives in which God can work!

It is a normal and helpful process to grieve any loss. Pretending that we are made of steel and nothing can touch us won’t take us forward. Grieving our loss is part of the process of facing the total impact of what has happened to us, and thus part of the necessary preparations for genuine forgiveness.

As we embrace such grief, the words of Jesus become a wonderful promise … Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted (Matthew 5:4). Yet, this is connected closely to another ‘beattitude’ that soon follows … Blessed are the merciful, for they will receive mercy (5:7).

(4) Letting Go

Some people will say, ‘He doesn’t deserve my forgiveness’! This may be true – but the real question is not whether another person deserves forgiveness or not, but how much we desire our own physical, emotional, mental and spiritual health. It is the same when the thought is that the other person isn’t even sorry!

Bitterness eats us up inside, plays havoc with our emotions such that we are very hard to live with, makes it difficult for us to trust anyone, and disconnects us from God. Bitterness can also cause all sorts of inconsistencies in our lives (often plain for all to see), where we can in some areas bless others with ministry whilst ‘cursing’ others through our attitudes and words (James 3:10-12).

Sometimes we might think that forgiving someone when they’re not even sorry legitimises what they did, means that they were right, or suggests that we ourselves really don’t count anymore. Rather, forgiving someone raises our feelings of being a valuable person … because we are not going to let the destructive thing that was done to us have any further power over us.

We could hold onto and brood over the belittling statement that was made to us, and therefore start to live like we believed it; or express the hurt and forgive the person who said it, thus releasing the power of demeaning words laying over us. We can’t make our forgiveness conditional on the other person apologising, changing, or in any way earning this. We should forgive to liberate ourselves, and provide a potential gift that may subsequently evoke change in another.

Forgiveness does not involve prescribed magic words, but rather involves a heartfelt willingness to deeply struggle through hurt, anger and grief towards living in solidarity with God (and becoming like Jesus). Of course, our ultimate example of forgiving, even in the most hideous of circumstances, is Jesus (Luke 23:34). It was precisely because the religious and political leaders of the time were lost and had no idea of the gravity of what they were doing, that Jesus forgave them.

Forgiveness may not take the pain away, or redeem the loss, but it does make the future liveable. We forgive because we have been forgiven, no doubt by others along the way, but ultimately by God through Jesus (Colossians 3:13); and we wouldn’t want to be the one who blocked the path of forgiveness of others by negating the value and effectiveness of forgiveness ourselves.

It is likely that we will not be able to forgive fully all at once even if we want to. The loss remains, the hurt can re-emerge, our thoughts run wild; so forgiveness will be a process – whereby when any evidence of resentment returns, we reassert (seventy times seven times if necessary) that we have forgiven that other person (C S Lewis).

“I forgive this person for what they have done. By the choice of my will, and being not deterred by how I feel, I choose to not bring these issues up again, and to treat this person as forgiven. Whereas I may remember what happened to me from time to time, I will not brood over this anymore. I will refrain from seeking revenge or hoping that something bad happens to this particular person. If and when this offender expresses regret to me, I will look for ways to rebuild friendship. And, I will not act as if they owe me anything in return. I will reaffirm my decision to forgive, even if this is necessary every day. If I am at fault in any way, may this be revealed to me.”

(5) Living Better – Rising Above (Romans 12:14-21)

a. Seeking the best for others – bringing an act of kindness toward someone who has offended us proves to ourselves that we are not caught up in any vicious cycle of negativity, and that we can rise from our hurt and pain.

b. Being ready to mourn (or grieve) with others who have likewise suffered loss, and help those who have proven themselves to be weak. Many offenders have acted in this way because of their own difficult experiences and deep needs.

c. Seeking peace in all relationships – not peace at any price where the truth of what has happened is denied (and further abuse might occur), but a peace that works creatively towards harmonious and safe relationships.

d. Being open and honest about yourself, so that you will know what you need to work on – especially if this is in the area of bitterness or unforgiveness (James 5:16).